Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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