I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
