Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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