Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
