You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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