I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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