How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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