Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Randomize
