My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
