I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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