I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
