i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he told me I talked like a deaf person
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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