even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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