I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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