He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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