Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
