It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
