I wish my penis had an off switch
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
