I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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