benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
