If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
