Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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