Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
