Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You ruined the universe
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
