And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
