you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
did i just pee glitter
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
