My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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