bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
