I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
