If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
