I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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