god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
