There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
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