Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
