i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
