Someone shit on the floor
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
