my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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