We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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