so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I need a burrito and a hug.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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