I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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