I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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