hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Redeem this text for a blowjob
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
