Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
