I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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