this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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