Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
