If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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