my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
