textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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