I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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