we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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