Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
